I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
