i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
