Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
