he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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