Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My ass is underappreciated
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
