I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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