i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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