Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
