i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
