Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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