Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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