I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
