So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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