just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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