I am in a vortex of obligation.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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