my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
organizing the empties. That sober.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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