you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I intend to get homeless drunk
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
