I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
