i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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