you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
