I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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