ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
