I think I won the penis lottery.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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