maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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