I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
