Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
