then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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