My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize