Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
