Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
