My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
