So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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