i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
