Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
