oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
