I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
