i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
