The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
