Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
