I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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