His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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