I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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