If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
