why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
