i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize