you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize