i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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