so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
