im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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