It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize