I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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