Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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