he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
