who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
