$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
