Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
