can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
