ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
