There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
