the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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