fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
